It's no secret that I was pregnant when I got married (I do want to be clear, getting pregnant was not the sin, the actions that led to it are). I'm pretty open about it. Not because I'm proud, I am absolutely NOT proud of it. But it's my past. It's my story. It's my mess. It's part of the story of how God has redeemed my life from the pit.
I am saved. My sins are gone, I've been set free.
I'm still learning to live in a constant state of free-ness...I have a tendency to fall under my own condemnation. It's a work in progress! I am a work in progress.
Here's the deal though, I want to speak to those who might find themselves in a cycle of sin similar to the one I found (actually, I didn't FIND anything, I PUT myself there...let's just be honest about it) myself in. I know that the chances of this helping anyone are slim. I'm not eloquent and typically only the people who really love me even read what I write. But I want to say it because I feel lead to. So, at the very least, maybe it'll help ME to write it.
I married the only boy I ever had an intimate relationship with. But that didn't make it okay. I have repented of the sin I had allowed to take hold of my life. But that didn't take away the consequences of my actions. A large portion of our dating life, our engagement, our wedding day and even a few years of our marriage were tainted by that sin. Our life is still feeling the repercussions of that sin. All of the tenderness and sweetness that should accompany some of the major milestone moments of my life were tainted.
I can barely look at my wedding pictures. A lot of people worked really hard to make my day special in spite of the glaringly obvious sin I had committed and the damage that I'd done to my relationship with them all. My major memory of my honeymoon is nausea from the scent of the air freshener in the car.
It took years before the full weight of what I had done hit me. It took years for me to REALLY repent because I was so hardened by the sin I had committed. But the thing is, it wasn't something I just did one day. It was a long process of compromises and going too far. Slowly I broke every promise I ever made to myself and opposed everything I thought I believed in. I was unwilling to wait to receive God's blessings, so I took matters into my own hands, did it my way and I could not possibly regret it more.
If you are doing this same thing, I totally know where you are. Believe me, I get it. But please stop. Stop RIGHT now. Tell someone. Ask for help. It will be hard, but it will be worth the effort. I promise. Even if you are planning to marry the person you have an inappropriate relationship with, you will regret it and all of the special moments that you should cherish, will be tainted by the memory of your actions. God has an amazing plan for your life, do it HIS way.
The thing is, I don't want to be negative or make you think my life is awful. Because it's absolutely not. I've written a lot of other posts about how good God has been to me and how He has plucked me from the clutches of sin and the amazing effect it's had on my marriage. It's all because of Jesus. I am forgiven. I have been set free. I am covered by Jesus' blood. And no matter where you are, you can be too. Even if you did everything wrong like I did. There's nothing the blood of Jesus won't cover.
My sin, o the bliss of the glorious tho't,
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!